Dear Caroline,

I hope you have had a wonderful Christmas that has deepened your love for  Christ. And thank you for the nice things you say about the book, it is very satisfying to hear it has helped you.

Getting to your questions. There are certain things we have to understand about ourselves as human creatures, and perhaps one of the more basic is to understand that we are created for love. We can't not love. If we didn't love we wouldn't be fully human.

Now, love by its nature has to be focused; something, someone has to be THE love of our lives, and in relation to that love every other relationship is put in its place. It is a pity when a thing is the object of our love and dedication (a career, possession, pet, skill or hobby...), because love really is love only when it is focused on another person.

Marriage is focused human love, and in relation to it both the husband and the wife measure any other affection that knocks at the door of their heart, be it with new friends, old friends or even their parents. The more committed they are to the love they have given their life to (each other) the quicker and more naturally will they control and cut off any other feelings that might intrude on and endanger that relationship. They would never even think of taking someone else out for drinks and dinner.

Consecrated life is also focused love. However, the person we love and give ourselves to is not there in front of us in flesh and blood, he is not tangible to our senses, and we can't hear him speak like we do another human being. This is why consecrated love is hard to explain or understand until a person begins to develop a spiritual life. God's presence, the mysterious way he has of filling our soul and speaking to our heart without words, the clarity of convictions that come to us in prayer, the strength and clarity his grace gives us in our decisions, the way his presence is perceived even when our feelings seem numbed, the way he enlightens and moves our conscience and rescues us from our subjectivity, are all things that have to be lived to begin to understand them. And also, especially, they way he can fill our heart, and focus our love. That is why, even when we are trying to give ourselves to God with this focused, consecrated love we are always in danger of letting other, more tangible loves intrude. If we are made for love we shouldn't be surprised that our heart seeks love. If we are made of flesh and blood as well as soul we shouldn't be surprised that we are exposed to human love intruding on this special love we want to give Christ.

We have a choice. Either we decide that consecrated love is not for us and focus on finding and pleasing God in human love, which is the vocation of the majority and a sacrament, or we accept his call to consecrated love and we do two things: we build our life on faith, hope and love, nourished in prayer, and we take care of our consecrated love. This means that when human love wants to insinuate itself we turn our hearts to our real love, and we avoid any occasions, places, people, things that could weaken in any way our consecrated love. It is so much a question of rejecting human love as being faithful to our consecrated love and not letting human love intrude and mar it.

I hope this helps answer in some way your first question. As regards the second, why are you afraid, where does the fear come from, why does it paralyze you so, I think it may be because you are a reflective person and you have a sense of the totality of consecration. You know that if you do it, it will be for real and forever, and that is enough to make anyone nervous and afraid. The best antidote to fear is trust, but you have to know who you trust and why. Spend time with Christ, spend time thinking and talking to him about what he has done for you - starting with Bethlehem and going all the way through Pentecost with Gethsemane, Calvary and Easter Sunday on the way. Ask him to strengthen your faith, to give you the give of greater love.

Then, be willing to take one step at a time not projecting today's difficulties onto tomorrow. One day at a time, in trust. If you are called to consecrate your life to him you will have many elements to aid you (the sacraments, prayer, your community, your directors, the spirit of your congregation, the inspiration of your founder, good teaching, your apostolate...), so don't look only at the cost, its pales in comparison to all the rest. God bless.